It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Your cock deserves a montage
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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