Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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