His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
