why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
