is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
