I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
