you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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