So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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