Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
