Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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