time to smoke my breakfast
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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