someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
