seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
