i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
