bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
