Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
