Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
