speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
