to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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