If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
