I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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