Who wears a wallet chain?!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
