I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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