Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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