I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
