i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
