Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
