i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
