does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
