I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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