I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The struggles of a small town man whore
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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