ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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