Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
ok first of all what the fuck
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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