its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
