Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need water and some morals
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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