when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
