There was a lot of him and a little penis
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
