i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
