she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Houston, we have a squirter
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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