It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
