I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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