Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
