Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I want a musical about memes.
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