Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
