my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
