The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I could fuck to npr.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
