i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
