Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
