Jerry, you need to find god
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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