I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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