at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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