This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
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