so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
