Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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