I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
