so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
