just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
