Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
