I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
