I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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