Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
