What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
