brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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